LOVESICK

Lovesick. Have you ever been lovesick? I hear this word used again and again by a worship leader named Misty Edwards that my daughter made me aware of. I love her passion and intimacy that she communicates but there is something in her music that is beyond melodies, harmonies, and lyrical composition.

In a song she does on her Fling Wide cd called "Lovesick", the words of the chorus are as follows:
"Happy am I to live a hungry life, blessed am I to thirst.
Disillusionment is my gift within, and I am blessed, I am blessed among men."

These words challenged me and spoke to me. Let me share with you why. First the word lovesick means, " in love, or missing the person one loves, so much that one is unable to act normally." First I realized I was NOT lovesick. My love for Jesus wasn't like that of a young person who in the absence of the one whom he loves acts foolishly, even irrationally. My love for Jesus had become more like that of an old married person. You know what I am talking about. The kind where you take your beloved for granted. Where the passion is replaced with passivity and the fire is just a smoldering remembrance of what used to be.

When I met my wife in High School I had love for her like that. We would spend our waking hours together every single day and then when we separated for the night I couldn't wait to get home to call and spend an hour or two with her on the phone. I remember what that feeling was like, I remember when I first came to Jesus and how I loved Him with a love like that too. He became my heart's cry. I had so wonderfully been delivered from so much I shared His love with anyone and everyone who would give me half a chance. But as I look back that love has changed as well. I became more reserved, more measured in my love. More 'mature' and self-controlled, more 'normal'.

But you know what? I miss that love. I miss that passion and fire that actually burned in my chest at times and made me act 'abnormal'. I want it back, I want to be hungry and thirsty again. Hunger is a craving or strong desire, thirst is a dissatisfaction or longing. Disillusionment is a feeling of disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be. How can that be a gift? How can disappointment be a good thing?

Listen beloved to my heart. We have made church what God never intended it to be. Church is an assembly of believers who have been called out of darkness into HIS marvelous light. We assemble so that HE might be worshiped, adored, and honored. The Church is His bride and HE is the Bridegroom. The Church is not here to take the place of the Bridegroom but to facilitate the bride in finding a place to express her longing and desire for Him!

So many because we have lost this 'first love' relationship are spiritually bored, emotionally crippled, and without a clear vision toward our loving Lord and Saviour. We have lost our , 'ohhh' when He enters the room. We have substituted acts of service for hearts of passion and fire. Some would say that there is nothing wrong with an old couples love that keeps them around and faithful for the duration. But if you ask anyone in that relationship they would tell you that nothing can take the place of raw passion and love that will make you more than just faithful--but make you feel that the very beat of your heart is fueled by your lovers presence.

I am lovesick for my Beloved and my Beloved is lovesick for me! I don't want to be healed of this dis-ease. Lord fuel it drive me to you in intimacy and hunger for more of YOU. My disillusionment is causing me to look AWAY from everything else to look deeply and intently for YOU! Jesus forgive me for thinking the church could do for me what only YOU can do, for touching me the way only You can. I love YOU Lord, I am aching for YOU! I am longing for YOU! My boredom is a symptom of something far deeper and more important than just having something to do. Wake this passion up in me o Lord and cause me to behold YOUR beauty.

A Summer Lost

It's been a long time since my last blog and I am not sure why. I love to write, I love to share. But I have to admit that I've been in a bit of a slump. To be honest, slump is really not the word to describe where I've been. Actually, I have been in the state of Depression, in the city of Despair, on the street of Self-pity, in the house of Pain! Wow! I can't believe I said it. The truth is so raw and so hard to admit at times, yet it brings such a liberty! For some reason we think denial is the best approach to everything and therefore like a child we close our eyes, put our hands over our faces, and say, "You can't see me". But the reality is EVERYBODY sees us, they all know our state, only they are too kind--or maybe lost in there own denial--to say anything.

Here was my journey to visit the great state of DEPRESSION. It all began with a trip to the doctor's office. At 54 years old There has been some serious abuse to my body over the years. Playing football, hockey, and baseball took its toll on my knees and other vital joints. Then working construction on building homes with steep roofs and difficult elevations took its own toll on my body. At 45 years old I started getting cortizone shots in my knees, had minor surgery to remove floating cartillage and such. Back then the orthopod recommended knee replacement surgery but I declined thinking I was too young and could surely tough this out.

But the pain went from being slight and occaisonal to severe and chronic. It got to where I couldn't even walk at times and secret thoughts of being crippled and unable to function assailed me. At the urging of my wife and others I decided it was time perhaps to get the knee fixed. I went to see a surgeon who came highly recommended and after consultation the only means to help was surgery. Quietly, secretly I feared this move but when facing the day and night pain I was in I felt like I had no other option. So we set it up.

On June 1st doctors did a total knee replacement and I spent a week in the hospital. There were some complications. The day after surgery when it was time for me to get up for the first time, I blacked out and went unconscious. They called a code and thought I was having a heart attack. It happened 2 more times that day. When I came to, all these nurses and people were in the room looking at me with a very serious look on there faces. I asked why they were all in the room and they explained how I passed out and fell back to the bed. It was surreal. I saw no bright light, I saw no Jesus coming toward me with an outstretched hand so I figured it was not death. I was moved to the heart floor and monitored and they ran a battery of tests.

It turns out is was not my heart at all. It was the morphine they had me on. It seems I am very sensitive to narcotics. When they took away the morphine things got better. The Percoset was too powerful as well it turns out and Tylenol 3 was all I took for pain. But this little ordeal got my mind working. What if? became my secret mantra. All sorts of scenarios played out in my mind and fear set up a little workshop and I began to feel really depressed. Of course I didn't give voice to my fears, I wouldn't want to share them, for that was a sure sign of weakness. So I just kept them private and allowed them to slip me further into the "dark night" of the soul.

I thought that once out of the hospital and in rehab improvement would come and things would start looking up. Then once things are getting better climbing out of a depressed state would be easy. But it didn't work that way. Improvement was not quick, easy, nor at times even measurable. When I moved from a walker to a cane the first week home, that was not seen by me to be improvement, only less weakness. After 3 weeks I started walking without the cane but again in my mind, that was not quick enough. What I thought was going to take a couple of weeks turned into THREE months. Long months, long days, and very long nights. It seemed to me to be a "summer lost".

My summer was spent in rehab, and in two sessions of exercise at home every day. I rode my bike 6 to 8 miles a day and walked my neighborhood streets daily. Yes, surgery had disrupted my normal life and nothing was as it was before. Sleep was difficult and fleeting. For 3 months I never got more than 3 hours of sleep a night. Rising at 2 o'clock in the morning gave me time to clean, to do laundry, vacuum, and to exercise. AND to visit the thoughts that were haunting me about the outcome of this surgery.

I didn't get it. My doctor and therapists were all very pleased and impressed at my progress. I was very frustrated and angry that it was taking so long to recover. In the first 2 months I was in total regret for having this surgery and felt like it was a huge mistake. But then in mid August I actually started feeling good and it seemed like the worst was behind me. Finally! My depression started to lift, my despair was leaving and I thought for the first time--I'm ok.

Now it was time to put it to the test and do some work. I decided to tear all the siding off my house and put on new. A project that required ladders, some scaffolding, and some real stress on the new knee. Everything went according to plan and without the help of anyone I completely resided my house, built a storage shed, and laid several hundred feet of stone on the front of the house. Some thought this was not a good idea. But let me explain something. Every piece of siding I nailed up was therapeutic. It was taking away the old and putting up the new. It represented to me the process that I was going through. My own confidence needed to be 'rebuilt'. My attitude needed a makeover. A the end of the day the only person who can decide for you if you are going to make it is YOU!

Many nights in the quietness of my own mind I wondered if I would ever be able to do much of anything that I was accustomed to doing again. I feared becoming permanently crippled, dependent on others, and forever bound to a life of limits. But by God's grace this is not the case. Fear, even though kept under the surface, was my constant companion through this ordeal. I wish I could tell you of my great faith and my supernatural outcome. But I cannot. I wish I could tell you how I heard God's voice through all of this, but I didn't.

So what did I learn from this "lost summer"? Nothing is really ever"lost". We just get a preset plan of what is going to happen--whether it is founded in reality or not--and when things don't go according to plan--which they seldom do--we then allow fear and worry and doubt assail us. A wise man said that the best plan sometimes is no plan. He said it like this: "Take NO thought..."
I take many thoughts, too many thoughts most of the time. Which is a good way to get into depression. A good way out? Quiet your mind, be still, and know...

Controversy? Nah,l Just Want My Way

According to the dictionary controversy means a dispute. It literally means to stand against. Whenever we have someone in opposition to us in any form we call that a controversy. Life has many controversies. We dispute bills we owe, or mistakes in bills. I went out to eat the day with my wife and we had pizza and a salad and when the bill came it was for seventy dollars. Needless to say I won that dispute. We have disputes politically over issues facing our nation. The recent healthcare reform bill has divided this country severely and the controversy is deepening. We have controversy morally as we debate issues that divide this land and eat away at the fiber of this nation. Abortion, same sex marriage, anti-God rhetoric, even to the recent ruling that having a National Day of Prayer is 'unconstitutional'.

Then there are those personal controversies when we have a fall-out with friends or family. Husbands stand against wives, children against parents, brother against sister, and best friend against best friend. Pastor against member, boss against employee, and so on it goes. Once I remember feeling as if everyone had a controversy against me. My wife was mad at me for buying something without her consent. My kids were mad at me, my employees were planning a mutiny, and my church was giving me all kinds of problems. I noticed even the dog didn't want anything to do with me.

I went to the Lord about it in tears and begged Him to change all of those people who were giving me such a problem. In my devotion time that morning I asked God to either change them and get them right or I was going to start calling fire down from heaven on all of them. As I finished my prayer I went to the Bible reading of the day. The reading happened to be Proverbs 16. As I read down the chapter I came to verses 6 & 7. "By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the Lord men depart from evil. When a man's ways please the Lord, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with Him."

I realized by the Holy Spirit that God was talking to me. That MY ways--my attitudes, my actions, my thoughts, my motives, and my words, were the problem. A man's ways consist of these five areas and without realizing it God was showing me that the problem was not them but me. He reminded me how He worked in the days of Israel, when they turned from His ways and turned unto their own, how He would stir up an enemy in order to get their attention so they would turn back to Him. To see this principle at work you can look at the end of 1 Chronicles 5 when it says about some tribes of Israel that they 'played the harlot'. What that means is they committed spiritual adultery against God and worshiped false gods. Then it say God "stirred" the spirit of the king of Assyria to carry them away captive.

This 'controversy' was of there own making. It came because their hearts got turned aside and they actually found themselves standing against God and His will. This may seem hard to swallow today because we are not bowing down to any wooden images or carvings out of stone. But our 'controversies' come in a different form. Ours come in an attitude that we know is contrary to the Spirit of Christ. It can be a thought process that is destructive and enslaving but we do not cast it down and take it captive. Not only do we feed it and make room for it but we justify and excuse it as if we have a good reason to think the way we do.

They come in words that are harsh, judgmental, and self-righteous. Words reveal so much about us and our condition. For out of the heart man speaks. Motives that are self-serving and impure are at the forefront of much controversy. And finally, in actions that are clearly un-christian and ungodly, yet we excuse them because after all--we are only human and God understands.

What it represents is a controversy--an area of our life that we have not surrendered up to Christ. Something that we are holding onto and refuse to let go. It is this very area that the Holy Spirit is asking you to surrender. Are you holding to something that is a point of contention between you and God? It may seem like a small thing but if allowed to go on small things become big and they can actually cause your heart to turn against God. It is called hardening your heart in the New Testament.

"Today if you will hear His voice, do not harden your hearts.." Read the entire chapter in Hebrews three. It is a somber warning for you and I today and one we need to take seriously for ourselves and not pass off as this must be for someone else. I have been doing quite a bit of reading lately and one of the areas I have been looking at is the ministry of the Holy Spirit today in the life of the Church. He is really busy today in the ministry of what He does in us, in the Church, and in the world. He is such a awesome part of the Christian life. He has been given to us and resides INSIDE of us and has ONE desire. To reproduce the Life of Christ inside each of us.

Residing IN you is all the power, all the glory, and all the resources you need for a glorious, victorious life! Yet there is one catch--He must be given complete freedom in EVERY area of your life and you can hold nothing back from Him. For Him to reproduce the life of Christ in you He must be given complete CONTROL of your life and everything in it! Whatever you're holding back or whatever you are holding onto becomes an area of controversy that you must yield over to Him. He will NOT take it from you--you must lay it down and surrender it to His Lordship.

Let me share something very personal with you. There has been an area of my life that I have personally struggled with for years. It has to do with prayer. Not personal. private prayer. Not corporate or city-wide prayer. I have been a part of this kind of prayer for years and while I need more, it is not in this area that I struggle. It is in the simple yet powerful prayer of agreement with my wife and I.

As you know if you have followed any of my past blogs, I had a prodigal experience with God in 2004 till 2007. Much damage was done in my marriage as we nearly divorced and allowed alot of hurts to accumulate. Because Terri, my wife, is such a great person, she held onto God and to the idea of restoration even when I was doing everything I could to sabotage the relationship. Thanks to her prayers and the prayers of my daughter Cassie and her church family in Florida, and the prayers of Kerry Wilson and the VCC family, God brought me back from certain destruction. When I came back the Lord prompted me to start praying WITH my wife. Notice I said with and not for.

Intimacy needed to be rebuilt, our relationship needed healing. Normally marriages seldom survive all the junk we went through even with counseling. But I sensed the Lord telling me that until We talk to HIM about us there was no need to talk to anyone else. This is not to undermine the need or power of counseling, but to state that many people seek out counseling without seeking God and it is fruitless and futile to think that we can fix something without Divine intervention. So I went to my wife and shared with her what was on my heart and we began to get up early and pray together. Only I did not follow it through. I stopped before a week. Then I passively allowed the enemy to take that prompting and the obedience to it and remove me from it. Needless to say it allowed more inner pressure to build in our marriage until we just didn't think we could go on. So after months and months of neglect and simple disobedience built up I hit my face and cried out to God for an answer as to why things weren't working out. It occurred to me that this must be something very powerful and important for the enemy to work so hard to keep us from it.

Of course, He reminded me of His original prompting and let me know there would be no further word coming or help for that matter until I was obedient in the other. I have talked and talked to my wife over the past. I have made her many promises to do better, to be better, and to try harder. This time I dispensed with all the words and just began praying with her in the mornings for the last month. You become intimate with the people you pray for and the people you pray WITH. God over the last weeks has begun a deep and powerful work in our marriage. Walls are quietly and powerfully being removed. Anger and frustration is melting away and best of all LOVE is flowing from our hearts toward each other. Not to mention awesome answers to prayer as we agree for specific things. For example, our son, DAN, has been out of work for almost a year. He had put in some 70 applications for work. The first week we began praying together we devoted time to praying and agreeing for him a job. Within 5 days he was hired and is loving this job that God opened up for him! Praise God! In a few weeks he will be able to buy some of his own food and his own deodorant!

Seriously, I share this difficult aspect of my life for a reason. The enemy has designs against your life and home. Many a home is in deep distress today. Many individuals are in trouble within that home. Many are perplexed and troubled--seeking to talk to someone. Before you talk to anyone--talk to GOD! Prayer is the only hope for real and lasting change. God has a design for your life and home as well. We must get in agreement with Him and with each other--for if any TWO of you shall agree....as touching ANYTHING...it shall be done. I am done wanting my way, I am done with controversy because I choose to give up and give over to God! I choose to agree, I choose to obey! I choose YAWEH and not MY WAY! It is so simple yet so profound: PRAYER CHANGES THINGS because PRAYER CHANGES ME!

A Picture Worth 10,000 Words

Haiti is a nation of more than 6 million people of which over half live in and around the capital city of Port au Prince. It has had a long history of corruption and trouble. It was the first island in the Caribbean to be visited by Christopher Columbus in 1492 which was called Hispaniola.

The Spaniards exploited the island for its gold. They forced the indigenous Indians on the island to mine the gold. Those refusing to work were either killed or sold as slaves. The white man brought small pox and other infectious diseases to the island and killed off nearly all the Indian population. So they started bringing slaves over in 1517 from Africa. By 1789 nearly 500,000 slaves were being used to raise sugar, tobacco, and other crops that made the island one of the richest and most profitable of all the Caribbean.

Why this history lesson? From its' earliest beginnings this island has been exploited, mistreated, and built on evil intention. It has NEVER had peace, prosperity and rest.

Now Haiti lies in waste, its' land raped and destroyed, and the people pillaged and desperate for hope. Even in modern times the government their has been corrupt and ineffective in helping the nation find recovery and restoration. A land RICH in natural resources and yet the POOREST island in the Caribbean with a GDP of less then $800 per person per year.

So what you see in the capital building is not just a picture of a building but a visual representation of the state of the government and the people it represents. For years the country has been a United Nations experiment which could be said to be a colossal failure. Something to be said of government OF the people, BY the people, and FOR the people.

"Blessed is the NATION whose God is the Lord..." so says Scripture. The Lord has a plan for Haiti. He wants to bless and prosper these people and this land. Corruption must go, righteousness must come. God is looking for a man --AMONG THEM-- who will bring Jesus Christ as Lord over this land! This is a country whose national religion was VOODOO!!! But I believe they are ripe for a return to JESHUA! He will break their bands asunder and bring freedom from sin and sin's blight to the people.

Read Psalm 46 and pray over Haiti with me. "God is our refuge and strength, and ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way...and the mountains quake...GOD WILL HELP HER....Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth..."

Let God arise and all His enemies be scattered! It is time for Haiti to have revival! It is time for the people to be set free! It is time for the Church to rise up and take this land for Christ! It is time to REBUILD! Not just a building, but the entire soul and spirit of the nation! Her walls are crumbled, and her foundations are destroyed. "He raises the poor fro the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he sets them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honor. For the foundations of the earth are the Lord's...(1 Sam. 2:8)

You might say what has that got to do with me? This Church is your calling, this is our purpose. Listen to Isaiah. "Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; YOU will be called REPAIRER OF BROKEN WALLS, RESTORER OF STREETS WITH DWELLINGS" (58:12)

While walking through the ruins in Haiti it finally dawned on me--In the natural I was there to do RELIEF work. But spiritually I was there to repair and restore--not just a natural building but spiritual a house for which the Lord will INHABIT! We are called to be RE BUILDERS even when the ruins are historic and profound. I am a REPAIRER and so are YOU! It is time for a new picture, for a new day in Haiti and the rest of the world. Let us take our place and do our job!