Saying Goodbye To 2009

It is the last days of 2009 and WOW! what a year. It has been quite a journey. From the beginning it was one that will go down in the books as a year firsts.

For the first time in 35 years of marriage, I spent most of the first part of the year living away from home trying to sort out all of the baggage that had accumulated from my nearly 4 year prodigal journey that left my relationship with my wife strained, stained, and stilted. In the process of time all marriages go through tough times, but for the first time it really looked like my marriage was over.



I closed my business, "Heartland Home Center" due to fiscal the economy and other fiscal "issues". I had never failed at any business venture up to this point, in fact, I seemed to have the "Midas touch" when it came to business up to this time. Everything I had done in the past was very successful and extremely profitable. This venture was extremely costly and entirely futile.



Due to the failure of my business I filed bankruptcy. A very difficult pill to swallow for a man who prided himself on his excellent credit rating and business savvy. In that process I lost everything that my previous success had afforded me. A lovely home of 4,000 square feet. A Sea Ray yacht of 45 feet that slept 6, my personal assets and equities that I was counting on for future retirement. Money, comfort and security were things I just never thought about heretofore, but now things were different.



These losses don't even take into account the personal, emotional and spiritual battles that an individual faces when going through loss. Medical professionals talk about how we humans cope with loss in a process called grief. They talk how in the various stages of grief we process our loss until we can move on. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While these stages are debatable and not necessarily experienced in a set order, I can surely testify that I have struggled with them.

My daughter used to tell me denial isn't a river in Egypt. Yet I can tell you at the beginning I kept saying to myself--"this can't be happening to me..." But it was and no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, that 800 pound gorilla would not go away. For months I would not go talk to an attorney even though letters from creditors, notices from the IRS and phone call after phone call from collection agencies piled up like leaves under a huge oak tree. I kept waiting for a last minute miracle, a bailout, I even started buying lottery tickets(something I never did) thinking I can beat this. Obvious denial over a situation I let get out of control through not doing ANYTHING cause I refused to face reality and get proactive.

I spent night after night unable to sleep, unable to find peace, and unable to figure out what to do in the face of incredible adversity. Anger started creeping in like a London fog on a mid-summers night. My inward frustration and disappointment turned outward as I simmered internally over the thought of how different things would have been had God come through for me, or my wife would have stood by me, or my friends would have helped me. In this preoccupation with self and self-pity depression gripped my heart. I retreated into myself and secluded myself from everyone. I felt like Elijah after Mount Carmel and thought, "It is enough Lord, please take my life..."

This is very difficult to write. After all we don't want to hear about such struggles and defeats in a persons life. Then why write it you say? These are things better left unspoken and kept from sight. Maybe so, but for the person who is struggling today in your own mire of hurt, confusion, and loss--I want to give you some encouragement. Not simply the typical words of "hang in there" or "it's going to get better..". Not even the normal, "Don't worry--it will all work out...".

I want you to hang in there, I even believe with you that things will work out for you and get better. In my situation all of that is true. As the year draws to a close it is ending much better than it began. My marriage is being healed and is on the road to recovery. We are talking and sharing in ways that we have not for years. Our love is growing and our hearts are being knit together again after near disaster. I can say from the depths of my heart that I not only love my wife, but I like her too! Which may seem strange--but is no mystery to anyone who knows the importance of your spouse being your best friend as well as your lover. This too is a miracle!

Financially we are bouncing back and being blessed in indescribable ways. In two weeks we are moving into a home that is a testimony to God's love and faithfulness.
This home is an allegory to my life. I bought this home that was completely run down and a total mess. It has been totally re-done and is brand new on the inside. It has been done with things accumulated from here and there, things purchased, and things freely given. It has been transformed from nothing to something very special that has significance for us as a life changing testimony to the faithfulness of God. My wife called the transformation "magic", I know it to be nothing more or less than the GOODNESS of God!

But let me tell you the most important part of this whole story. Apart from the restoration of my marriage, separate from the recovery of my financial situation, and above the new home and all that goes with it--is the renewal of my faith in God. In the fact that God is enough for me. I have found that through all of this God is all I want or need. I may never 'own' another business, I may never have another yacht. A 4000 square foot home may never be in my future and money to burn and financial independence may never be mine. BUT! I don't need ANY of that to live and enjoy life. I have the ONE thing I need to live this life and be happy, content and satisfied. I have a relationship with a LIVING, LOVING, LORD--whom I love and Whom loves me. It is ENOUGH for me, in fact it is MORE than ENOUGH for ME!

I believe when He becomes ENOUGH for us, we have found the key to EVERYTHING.

Goodbye 2009, you have added much to my life--you even subtracted from my life--but at the end you brought me one more year closer to Him who is the same YESTERDAY, TODAY and FOREVER! God used you, 2009, in some marvelous and mysterious ways. Am I going to miss you? No, but I will forever cherish the experiences and rememeber the places we have been together!

Hello 2010! What do you hold for me? We shall soon see!